No, that is not a typo in the
title. I am asking why the divorce rate is not higher. Why am I asking this
question? Because my husband and I are about to celebrate our 36
th
anniversary and I am absolutely amazed that anybody makes it this long without
divorcing. Or committing homicide.
First let me disabuse you all of
the common myth that the divorce rate is 50%. This is just plain not true, but
like most myths, it gets repeated so often, with absolute certainty on the part
of the person saying it, that we all believe it. This frequently quoted
statistic is based on comparing the number of marriage certificates issued in
any given year with the number of divorces filed in that year. That number
indeed hovers around 50%, because the number of people GETTING MARRIED has been
going down at the same rate as the number of people getting divorced.
If we count the number of people
who are STILL MARRIED in any given year and compare that number to the
divorces, we get a very different picture. To get that statistic, however,
requires a more complicated and costly process, so it’s only done about every
ten years. This data, by the way, is collected by the Center for Disease
Control. So I want to know, which is the disease, marriage or divorce? I’m
assuming the latter.
But I digress.
When calculated this
way–comparing those getting divorced to those still married–the divorce rate in
the U.S. peaked in 1979 at 23% and it has been going down very, very gradually
ever since. These days it hovers around 20%. Much better odds than 50-50!
I am a psychologist by the way,
and I teach developmental psychology, but if you don’t want to believe me, here
are some links to check out. Those of you who could care less about these
statistics, jump ahead to the good stuff further down.
Good article on the topic at
PsychCentral:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/the-myth-of-the-high-rate-of-divorce/all/1/
Charts and study from Center for
Disease Control:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_028.pdf
Anyway, so why am I saying the
divorce rate is surprisingly low, if it’s actually a lot lower than everybody
thinks it is?
Because it just isn’t all that
easy to stay married for decade after decade. First we’ve got that whole
men-and-women-don’t-really-understand-each-other thing going on. This is mostly
because women, in general, like to process things, especially their feelings,
out loud. Men are more inclined to mull things over in their own heads. Also
men are more action-oriented; they like to fix things. (More on these
differences in a later post.)
She says: What’s wrong, honey?
He says: Nothin’.
She says: Come on, I can tell
something’s wrong. What’s wrong?
He says: Nothin’. I’m fine.
She says: Is it me? Did I do
something?
He says (through gritted teeth):
Nothing. Is. Wrong.
She says: Something really
upsetting happened at work today.
He thinks (cuz if he’s been
married for very long, he’s hopefully learned not to say it): Cut to the chase
so I can tell you how to fix it.
She says: Yada, yada, yada,
yada...
He nods off.
She gets pissed.
Neither approach is right or
wrong; they’re just different. But we don’t get that these differences exist
and we keep expecting our mates to react to things the way we do. And then we
get hurt and/or angry when s/he doesn’t understand where we’re coming from.
Okay, now throw the stress of
parenthood into the marriage mix. Are we clueless about what we are getting
into there, or what? But then again, if we weren’t clueless, the species would
have died out by now. If we knew in advance how hard parenting is, nobody would
do it!
This is me at three months old;
would you look at that hair!
Then we’ve got the whole aging
process (more on this next week, cuz I’ve got a birthday coming up, and it’s a
biggie!) And the fact that people change over time, as they experience new and
different things. We don’t always change at the same rate or in the same ways
as our partners do, however.
It takes a lot of work to stay
on the same wavelength. And we should keep in mind that marriage was invented
back when the average lifespan was twenty-five years! As recently as the early
1900's, one partner or the other was bound to die after a couple of
decades–from childbirth, disease or a cattle stampede. And I can’t help but
suspect that, before the days of modern forensics, a certain number of
household accidents were early versions of a Reno-quickie divorce.
So how have hubby and I made it
this long? First, you’ve got the making-the-right-choice-to-begin-with factor.
We lucked out here, or perhaps it was divine intervention, because I had
definitely dated my share of losers before he came along.
The most important part of
making that right choice is marrying someone who shares your values. You don’t
have to have all the same interests or even come from the same background or
ethnic group. But you do need to care about the same things in life. And
fortunately we do.
Probably the single most
important factor in surviving marriage over the long haul is communication. You
gotta talk to each other, every day, about the little stuff and the big stuff,
and about how you feel about things. It’s real easy to get out of the habit of
doing this, or to decide that a certain subject is just too painful, or will
start a fight, so you don’t go there.
Study after study has found that
the single most important factor in marital satisfaction is that both spouses
consider their partner to be their best friend.
So Happy Anniversary to my best
friend! I hope we have many more, but I’m not taking anything for granted,
because marriage is hard work.
When you stop laughing at
hubby’s funny-looking tuxedo, please let me know what
you think are the
important aspects of keeping a relationship strong?
(Kassandra Lamb is a retired
psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She writes the Kate Huntington mystery
series.)
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